How co-regulation can promote self-regulation in little ones

You may have heard of self-regulation, which is the ability for us, as individuals to manage our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It is a process whereby we can tap into our emotions in any given moment and decide that we are going to ‘respond’ rather than ‘react’ and remain calm in the process. Easier said than done right?! Especially when it comes to parenting! I’ve been there many times. One of my children will do something, infuriating but not deliberate, like spilling their water for the fifth time at the dinner table, or waking in the night, and I’m overcome with negative emotion. It often results in a huff and a snap comment which I will regret a few moments later. My ability to self-regulate is challenged throughout the day but despite these moments I understand how my response to events can be learned by my children. I try to pause in these moments, acknowledge my need for an irrational reaction, put it to the side and then respond in a calmer, more understanding way. Without self-regulation adults and children can have difficulty developing meaningful relationships and will struggle to communicate effectively and reciprocally with others.

Babies are born with a low ability to self-regulate. This is where co-regulation comes in. It is the process which teaches little ones how to self-regulate by learning from their caregivers. Babies will observe gestures, tone, movements and actions in their caregivers and acknowledge how it makes them feel within themselves. If a baby’s action is met with a response that is calm and rational, a baby should reciprocate feelings of calm and balance within themselves. Over time babies will be able to deal with stress scenarios by conceptualising their feelings and implementing self-soothing strategies to allow them to respond appropriately, for example if a child takes their toy, they may be less likely to hit or shout. Parents should be teaching, by example, that you are able to gain control over your body and manage your emotions.

Co-regulation in parenting is about staying present for your child through the tough times. My youngest Eddie is a passionate and fiery 2-year-old who struggles to regulate his response in certain situations. Our goal at the moment is to hold our own anger and provide him with other tools to temper his own frustrations. For example, he doesn’t like to be blindsided by things, such as leaving for nursery when he’s in the middle of playing. We will try to give him a time warning, but the concept of time is lost on him so when the inevitable wobble happens, we remain calm, we get down to his level, explain the situation and what is going to happen next (that he will get his shoes on and go to nursery) and then offer him a hug. More often than not he calms quickly, accepts the hug (he’s a hugger) and does as he’s asked. Not always… but we’re working on it.

We believe in the same strategies for our clients when it comes to sleep. Sleep deprivation and exhaustion can manifest in struggles to self-regulate. This is totally understandable! Who has the patience to respond calmly when your baby has woken for the 10th time that night?! When your needs aren’t being met (e.g. sleep, nutrition, exercise) then it’s hard to regulate yourself. But it is so important that we self-regulate in order to co-regulate. We ask our parents to pause if their child wakes or cries, allow for the feelings to arise and tame them (name and tame!). And only then respond in a loving and gentle way. Not only will this create a positive energy and connection with your child, but it will help your child’s own feelings from escalating. Settling your child at night should be met with less resistance and more acceptance. Responding to your child’s sleep cues with just the right amount of support is how they will develop their self-regulation skills over time. And that sometimes means not jumping in immediately but giving them some space to make their own decisions when they wake.

But co-regulation isn’t just about managing emotions in the moment. It can extend to spending positive time with your child, having predictable routines, stating expectations clearly, expressing interest in your child, showing affection and much much more. Different strategies work for different people especially when it comes to parenting and we recommend you figure out what works best for you and your family. It’s also not perfect. So don’t beat yourself up if you fly off the handle in the moment! Its natural and it’s a lesson.

We’d love to hear from you how you self-regulate. Add to the comments below.